May. 31st, 2006

killingsoftly: (dangerous)
I adored my mother and she me (I still do, though I stay away) but she was always flitting off after a new artist or musician or poet (it's her nature, can't fight it, we've talked about this) leaving me with his mother (my grandmother) who spoke of tainted blood (tried to drown me in Holy Water to drive the evil out of me). The brief visits just made the longer intervals without her darker, more frightening (winter and spring with nothing in between). I wasn't evil, she'd soothe, but the woman raising me said differently. (Spawn of a demon, no way to be saved) I tried very hard to believe Mother, but it grew harder and harder until she came. (Just like her, going to destroy everything good)

I remember her hair and her warm summer smile, I remember caressing so tender and mild

It was Beltane (sinful pagan nonsense) when she chose me (she chose me), pulling me to dance around the fire, flowers in her hair. She smelled of warm grass and the fresh flowers from her beloved woods, and I always associate the smell of a meadow with her. (Can't go in the woods, no matter what blood demands) Moss and flowers, a bower in her woods, my woods, our woods, was our marriage bed. I don't remember the cold (she drove it away). I'd never and neither had she and yet we managed, laughing some at the awkwardness. She moaned when I touched her, cried out when I surged inside, cries of pleasure that filled me with energy (so much energy, like nothing I'd ever felt) spiraling me higher into the night's air. She slept after (she slept for so long) and I watched her, smiling, tracing fingertips over her skin. It was their place to meet. Her parents wouldn't approve. (I was cursed, demon-spawn, so said my grandmother, who should know). I spoke of rings, but she just smiled and said there was time for that later (we had all the time in the world). But we were safe there, wrapped up in each other, clinging. Nothing but us. Even when she started to get pale, circles forming under her eyes, she still came (she was so thin). She said I made her feel well. She slept longer and longer, but she always smiled when she woke, warming me inside, until she didn't.

So much pleasure she screamed, marking me, nails shredding my skin as she shook, kissing me again and again. I felt her pass through me, into me, seeping into each pore and filling me with her, though I knew it should be the other way around, wrapping me in herself, safe and warm and home. My lips moved over salt slick skin in the glow after, nuzzling at her neck, fingers stroking over her chest. She buzzed in my head, and I felt drunk, sated, like I could do anything. I laughed down at her, nipping her neck. It was no time to sleep. But she didn't move (not a breath, not a sound). No soft moans. No murmur of my name, sleepy with a laughing protest. I shook her (I shook). She was limp in my arms (with a smile on her lips). Screams (not like hers) met with silence. Pleas (god, yes, no, please, now, again, more, enough) with no response.

Not safe. Nowhere safe. (I wasn't safe) Too much love and her heart gave out, (It should have gone on forever) the flicker of summer's glow extinguished as the leaves turned and the ground froze around her, locking her away from the sun (locking the sun away from me).

I ran (kept running), came back (who says you can't go home?), ran (all that you can't leave behind), until I didn't remember what I was running from (only from ghosts, or maybe myself). No more summer sun (just the heat of hell), icy heart (frozen inside, without your touch, without your love) a shrine to a dead girl, though I barely remember her name now (it was Eileen).

But around her grave I wander drear,
Sometimes in early morn,
And with breaking heart sometimes I hear,
The wind that shakes the corn.


I don't remember what safe feels like.

(It feels like summer)
killingsoftly: (For glory)
One song. Glory. One song
Before I go, Glory
One song to leave behind,

Find one song, one last refrain, glory
From the pretty boy front man,
Who wasted opportunity.

One song, he had the world at his feet,
Glory
In the eyes of a young girl, a young girl
Find glory, beyond the cheap colored lights

One song, before the sun sets
Glory - on another empty life
Time flies - time dies,
Glory - One blaze of glory
One blaze of glory - Glory

Find, Glory, in a song that rings true
Truth like a blazing fire, an eternal flame

Find, one song, a song about love
Glory, from the soul of a young man
A young man

Find, the one song
Before the virus takes hold, glory
Like it sunset
One song
To redeem this empty life

Time flies
And then no need to endure anymore
Time dies

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killingsoftly

September 2007

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