Despite what the lovely lady was insisting last night, I'd have to say that part of me does. If not a role, then a...place. A position. Somewhere I've been stuck.
On the outside of society, more than any role within it. What I am dictates that, no matter what I might think or wish. I can be what she was, and be embraced and loved, no matter the cost, or I can walk as I do, and hope to find a better way. At least a less...
I don't know. Choices. She talks about choices we can all make. That we aren't bound by who we are or what we are, but that we can make choices to break free of that.
But she's human. They have so many more choices than we do, even if their lives are shorter, their view narrower.
I want to be a star. I'm...driven to it. Driven to stand in front of them, feel their love, their adoration fill me up in ways I've never been filled. Without it, without that energy, that emotion, I starve. I die.
Can a vampire choose whether or not to drink blood? No. He shrivels without it. Starved. A walking skeleton.
I need that energy, that passion, the same way they need blood.
I could choose not to take it, but I would die.
So the only choice left to me, if I want to live, and I do want to live, is how I take it. To try and cause the least harm. To let them love me from afar.
Because if I choose what my nature calls to me to choose, if I embrace the role I was born into and pushed toward...
Sometimes it calls to me so strongly. It's all I can feel, all I can see, taste. It consumes. A spark, a fire, a genius brushes near and I want to cleave to him or her and push them toward all they can be and watch them fly, and gorge myself in what they generate with their fire. I want to love them. I want to be loved. And I know, I know, that's what my role is supposed to be. Like my mother before me, it's where my nature calls me and in it I could find peace. Just...let go and be what I was meant to be.
But he's there, too, and I see him in them. And so I'd like to believe what the lovely lady says about choices. I'd like to believe our fate isn't written in the stars. That we can fight it. Be more than it. Choose another way. I struggle to make that choice every single day. I walk away when I just want to reach out. Touch. Be touched. I leave when I want to stay.
But isn't that a sort of destiny in and of itself?