killingsoftly | The conversation had to happen sooner or later...

The conversation had to happen sooner or later...

Warren: Not! Gay!
Devin: *pouts*
Warren: I'm not! *wraps his arms around Devin's waist, though* I just happen to have a boyfriend.
Devin: You don't have to sound so horrified.
Warren: I'm not! Just insistent.
Devin: *doesn't comment* It's not a bad thing to be gay.
Warren: *seriously* No, it's not. Or whichever.
Devin: *still frowning*
Warren: *sighs, strokes fingers through his hair* I'm sorry, babe. I'm just.. getting tired of getting teased.
Devin: Why does it bother you if you're not...bothered by being with me?
Warren: Because half the time.. okay, when She teases she's just being silly, but half the time when .. they're teasing, they're not being nice.
Devin: *glares in their general direction* But why does it bother you? They wouldn't tease you if they didn't know they could get a rise, so...*shifting from glaring to a little lost* Why does it bother you enough that they can get that rise?
Warren: *shrugs slightly, holds him a little closer* I don't know. Something about the way they say it. Like ... they have some kind of... I don't know. *wry* Like they're trolling, and I'm the meat.
Devin: That doesn't have anything...*shrugs, pulls away a little*
Warren: *flash of outright fear, quickly suppressed* *shakes his head* You're . it's stupid. They're stupid, you're right.
Devin: *another little shrug*
Warren: *slides his hand down to curl his fingers lightly around Devin's*
Devin: *small frown, but doesn't pull away*
Warren: *expression slowly retreating back into the blank/sullen high school expression, lowering his head a bit*
Devin: I just....one day you'll....you'll get tired of the teasing, or you'll decide.....*shrugs*
Warren: Dev....
Devin: If you hate the idea of being associated with a group that likes to sleep with their own gender so very much....
Devin: What can you think of me?
Warren: *bites back something mean* It's not the idea, it's the tone .. it's.. *shakes his head angrily, fingers of his other hand flexing a bit* It's being reduced to a fucking stereotype, Dev. And then being looked at like he's going to fucking eat me.
Devin: He looks at everyone that way. He...*flinches back from the thought of him too much, flash of something in his eyes* It doesn't...I've never liked labels. I don't like stereotypes. People are people and what does it matter? But you get so angry....
Devin: Like you're ashamed you want to be with me.
Warren: This is me, Dev. This is what I am. I'm an angry guy. It has nothing to do with being ashamed. You... *small, tired smile* You haven't seen a lot of that. 'cause you make things better. But it's still me. Remember the cafeteria thing? Nearly roasting Will?
Devin: *nods* It just...what you're angry about....seems tied to the fact that you enjoy what we do...and that...*shrugs, wishing he hadn't said anything at all*
Warren: *shakes his head slightly, isn't sure what to say though, and has this sick panicky feeling that this is... something. the beginning of the end* *and maybe clings a littel tighter to Devin's hand because of it*
Devin: *pulls his knees up to his chest, wrapping his free arm around it tight*
Warren: Dev... *runs his free hand through his hair, still at a loss, still angry and scared*
Devin: *quietly* It's okay.
Warren: No it's not. You don't look okay.
Devin: I'm just being stupid...
Warren: No you're not... *sighs, scoots over next to him a bit* You're ... You're scared. .. So am I.
Devin: Why?
Warren: It's.. *tries to articulate, still half the time stuck in the whole teenage-macho-don't talk about feelings thing. also because he's Warren*
Warren: ... I can't help being.. what I am. How I feel, how... and maybe that's not enough. Maybe you'll get sick of the uncertainty.
Devin: *stares at him, slightly shocked*
Warren: *suddenly very, very afraid* ... what?
Devin: I'm ... you think I'd go? *almost laughing* god, I'm the most....No. I'm not....I'll stay as long as you want me, until you decide...*shrugs again, laugh turning to something closer to tears*
Warren: Dev... *scared, worried, not all that angry anymore* Dev, I'm... I've. I don't care. Gay, straight. Whatever. Bi. I don't care. *dry/bitter/self-hating* You have to live outside yourself to care about things like that in other people, and I don't. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a pretty selfish person. I don't... it doesn't bother me. That's not what bothers me. Nothing bothers me about you, about this.. not lik ethat.
Warren: And yeah. Sometimes... you know? Sometimes .. it's not like you have the ... the surety of knowing. Sometimes. I just.. I wonder.
Devin: Wonder what? *almost terrified*
Warren: *quietly, looking down, tired* Why you put up with this. With... someone who, obviously, you think could leave you any day now for some pretty girl. *back to bitter and self-hating* The uncertainty, it's gotta kill.
Warren: I mean... *sudden explosion* Why do you even put up with me?
Devin: *quietly* Because I love you.
Warren: *very small smile*
Warren: I love you, too.
Devin: I'd rather be with you, for as long as I have you than not
Warren: *small nod, lightly squeezing his hand* I'm not goign anywhere, Dev.
Devin: *squeezes back, tight and clinging*
Warren: *pulls him into his arms after a second, clinging right back*
Devin: *holds on, shaking a little*
Warren: I'm sorry, babe... I'm soso sorry. *kind of scared, almost crying, holding on tight*
Devin: *holds on to him tight, shaking* You don't need to....
Warren: *actually does start to cry, a couple hot tears* I’m sorry. I shouldn'ta said those stupid things.
Devin: *is crying a little, too, clinging to him* I shouldn't....I just get so scared you'll....that you don't really want.....me...
Warren: No.... *insistant, rocking them both a bit* No no no no... no. No. It's not like that. It's never been like that. *small smile* I'd've been happy figuring out I liked guys better than girls too. That's just.. not the way it turned out.
Devin: *tiniest flinch, but nods*
Warren: *snuffle-giggle* Believe me. I spent like two weeks checking out guys just to see... nothing. It's just you, babe. There's something special about you.
Devin: *wry, half sob* Why can't I just...*shakes his head*
Warren: Why can't you just...?

It hurt more than a little as he struggled to find the words he meant to say. "Why can't I just be happy? I have you, and if...if I'm not...or if you're not...you're still here, at least for now, and..." He swallowed back the tears, or tried to. "It just gets...like I should be smug. I should be all, 'oh, he's not gay, but for me he's willing to overlook that.' Only all I can think about when I let myself think about it, is what that means when the right girl comes along."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

His smile brightened a bit.

ooc: Yay! I may fiddle with text on the index page, but not the code stuff--just the main text cell to add some stuff. Maybe. Depends on if I'm coherent enough to write it when I get home.

Warren traced the smile with a fingertip.

"It doesn't bother me," he said slowly, wondering if it was what Devin had been thinking. "What you do, what you are. I don't know... it doesn't bother me." He smiled slightly. "It's pretty cool."

ooc: First, sherbert! And then coding. I've been surprisingly productive today, at least fanfic wise. I need to find my guide to literary agents. And tomorrow, first thing I do should be to check my damn e-mail.

Devin fought back the tears that sprang to his eyes at that. "Yeah?"

ooc: I read my drafting manual? There are SO many rules and I'm floundering with the longer bill I'm working on right now.

"Yeah." Hoo boy.

His hand slid up to stroke through his hair. "It's.. I don't know. I remember, after we started hanging out in your hotel room and talking, I remember thinking... hey. That's so cool. Not the needing part so much, but if you can take care of that... the reaching. The being able to feel, and to send. The sensing, the sensitivity. And just, the knowing. It's all... it's really cool."

It was starting to come back to him, though. The words he used. Demon. He thought parasite had been in there somewhere. No wonder Devin was so startled. So needing, in a way.

Devin watched him, uncertain and a little bit wary. "The being able to make the pleasure loop, you mean?"

Because that made sense. Double your pleasure, double your fun. He could understand liking that part.

"That too," Warren shrugged a little. "Just the whole... sensing everything. Like it's a whole new way to understand people. To get to know people, to communicate, kind of. Maybe not communicate, but. It's a way of seeing the world that's just..."

He groped around for the words for a second and then gave up.

"It's amazing, Devin. What you do is amazing. And special. And not th..." He was using those words way too much. "It's magical, in a whole sense of the word that doesn't mean Orlando Bloom or mutant powers. It's being able to reach out and touch people in a way I only wish I could..."

And none of this was coming across the way he wanted it to.

Devin glanced down, flushing. "It's not really...it's nothing big. I mean, it doesn't even work...sometimes."

Warren's fingertips ghosted down the line of his jaw, coming to rest under his chin, though he didn't bring his head up.

"It's something."

"It's useless for anything but pleasure, when it even bothers to work," Devin said, not looking up.

Warren wasn't sure what to say to that.

"Seems..." He tried to remember. There had been a couple of times when he'd tried. Hadn't there? "Seems like we made it work a couple times..."

He was fucking up again. Didn't want to. Deep breaths, stay calm. Not that he was all that upset, just. Worried about Devin.

Devin shrugged. "During sex, yeah."

"And..." Warren frowned, really worried now. "A couple of other times. When we've been talking..."

"In the park..."

Devin shrugged again. "When you let me in."

Oh, hell.

Warren fell back against the pillows. He had no idea how to even begin to help that.

Devin finally looked at him. "It's okay. It just...isn't as impressive as you keep trying to make it out to be."

Warren stared down the length of their bodies, at the feet, at the sheets, at the opposite wall.

"It's ... impressive to me..."

Lame, Warren. Really lame.

Devin looked confused. "Why?"

"I just... do."

Words were obviously not his friends tonight.

"Oh.." Devin settled against his side.

Warren's arm stayed around his shoulders, but his thoughts were elsewhere. And darkening.

He wanted to say something. But everything he thought of to say came out wrong.

"It's okay," Devin said quietly. "I'm glad you like what I can do to you."

"I like you..." Warren decided to stare at the ceiling. "You're..."

He didn't have words that seemed adequate.

Devin frowned, because he could feel the confused distress. He ran fingers through Warren's hair, trying to project a little calm if he'd let it in.

"It's okay..."

Shields didn't work so much against Devin anymore. Warren closed his eyes, sighing quietly and curling against him, calming.

"I'm not good at this. Saying what I mean. I don't have the words..."

"You don't have to...I know you love me.."

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