The conversation had to happen sooner or later...

[killingsoftly]

Warren: Not! Gay!
Devin: *pouts*
Warren: I'm not! *wraps his arms around Devin's waist, though* I just happen to have a boyfriend.
Devin: You don't have to sound so horrified.
Warren: I'm not! Just insistent.
Devin: *doesn't comment* It's not a bad thing to be gay.
Warren: *seriously* No, it's not. Or whichever.
Devin: *still frowning*
Warren: *sighs, strokes fingers through his hair* I'm sorry, babe. I'm just.. getting tired of getting teased.
Devin: Why does it bother you if you're not...bothered by being with me?
Warren: Because half the time.. okay, when She teases she's just being silly, but half the time when .. they're teasing, they're not being nice.
Devin: *glares in their general direction* But why does it bother you? They wouldn't tease you if they didn't know they could get a rise, so...*shifting from glaring to a little lost* Why does it bother you enough that they can get that rise?
Warren: *shrugs slightly, holds him a little closer* I don't know. Something about the way they say it. Like ... they have some kind of... I don't know. *wry* Like they're trolling, and I'm the meat.
Devin: That doesn't have anything...*shrugs, pulls away a little*
Warren: *flash of outright fear, quickly suppressed* *shakes his head* You're . it's stupid. They're stupid, you're right.
Devin: *another little shrug*
Warren: *slides his hand down to curl his fingers lightly around Devin's*
Devin: *small frown, but doesn't pull away*
Warren: *expression slowly retreating back into the blank/sullen high school expression, lowering his head a bit*
Devin: I just....one day you'll....you'll get tired of the teasing, or you'll decide.....*shrugs*
Warren: Dev....
Devin: If you hate the idea of being associated with a group that likes to sleep with their own gender so very much....
Devin: What can you think of me?
Warren: *bites back something mean* It's not the idea, it's the tone .. it's.. *shakes his head angrily, fingers of his other hand flexing a bit* It's being reduced to a fucking stereotype, Dev. And then being looked at like he's going to fucking eat me.
Devin: He looks at everyone that way. He...*flinches back from the thought of him too much, flash of something in his eyes* It doesn't...I've never liked labels. I don't like stereotypes. People are people and what does it matter? But you get so angry....
Devin: Like you're ashamed you want to be with me.
Warren: This is me, Dev. This is what I am. I'm an angry guy. It has nothing to do with being ashamed. You... *small, tired smile* You haven't seen a lot of that. 'cause you make things better. But it's still me. Remember the cafeteria thing? Nearly roasting Will?
Devin: *nods* It just...what you're angry about....seems tied to the fact that you enjoy what we do...and that...*shrugs, wishing he hadn't said anything at all*
Warren: *shakes his head slightly, isn't sure what to say though, and has this sick panicky feeling that this is... something. the beginning of the end* *and maybe clings a littel tighter to Devin's hand because of it*
Devin: *pulls his knees up to his chest, wrapping his free arm around it tight*
Warren: Dev... *runs his free hand through his hair, still at a loss, still angry and scared*
Devin: *quietly* It's okay.
Warren: No it's not. You don't look okay.
Devin: I'm just being stupid...
Warren: No you're not... *sighs, scoots over next to him a bit* You're ... You're scared. .. So am I.
Devin: Why?
Warren: It's.. *tries to articulate, still half the time stuck in the whole teenage-macho-don't talk about feelings thing. also because he's Warren*
Warren: ... I can't help being.. what I am. How I feel, how... and maybe that's not enough. Maybe you'll get sick of the uncertainty.
Devin: *stares at him, slightly shocked*
Warren: *suddenly very, very afraid* ... what?
Devin: I'm ... you think I'd go? *almost laughing* god, I'm the most....No. I'm not....I'll stay as long as you want me, until you decide...*shrugs again, laugh turning to something closer to tears*
Warren: Dev... *scared, worried, not all that angry anymore* Dev, I'm... I've. I don't care. Gay, straight. Whatever. Bi. I don't care. *dry/bitter/self-hating* You have to live outside yourself to care about things like that in other people, and I don't. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a pretty selfish person. I don't... it doesn't bother me. That's not what bothers me. Nothing bothers me about you, about this.. not lik ethat.
Warren: And yeah. Sometimes... you know? Sometimes .. it's not like you have the ... the surety of knowing. Sometimes. I just.. I wonder.
Devin: Wonder what? *almost terrified*
Warren: *quietly, looking down, tired* Why you put up with this. With... someone who, obviously, you think could leave you any day now for some pretty girl. *back to bitter and self-hating* The uncertainty, it's gotta kill.
Warren: I mean... *sudden explosion* Why do you even put up with me?
Devin: *quietly* Because I love you.
Warren: *very small smile*
Warren: I love you, too.
Devin: I'd rather be with you, for as long as I have you than not
Warren: *small nod, lightly squeezing his hand* I'm not goign anywhere, Dev.
Devin: *squeezes back, tight and clinging*
Warren: *pulls him into his arms after a second, clinging right back*
Devin: *holds on, shaking a little*
Warren: I'm sorry, babe... I'm soso sorry. *kind of scared, almost crying, holding on tight*
Devin: *holds on to him tight, shaking* You don't need to....
Warren: *actually does start to cry, a couple hot tears* I’m sorry. I shouldn'ta said those stupid things.
Devin: *is crying a little, too, clinging to him* I shouldn't....I just get so scared you'll....that you don't really want.....me...
Warren: No.... *insistant, rocking them both a bit* No no no no... no. No. It's not like that. It's never been like that. *small smile* I'd've been happy figuring out I liked guys better than girls too. That's just.. not the way it turned out.
Devin: *tiniest flinch, but nods*
Warren: *snuffle-giggle* Believe me. I spent like two weeks checking out guys just to see... nothing. It's just you, babe. There's something special about you.
Devin: *wry, half sob* Why can't I just...*shakes his head*
Warren: Why can't you just...?

It hurt more than a little as he struggled to find the words he meant to say. "Why can't I just be happy? I have you, and if...if I'm not...or if you're not...you're still here, at least for now, and..." He swallowed back the tears, or tried to. "It just gets...like I should be smug. I should be all, 'oh, he's not gay, but for me he's willing to overlook that.' Only all I can think about when I let myself think about it, is what that means when the right girl comes along."

Comments

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"I don't know..." Warren wished he'd never brought it up. Or kept bringing it up.

"I just meant... what you do, what you are. It's a good thing. More than good, it's..." Warren closed his eyes. "I can only wish I could do half the things you do. Like you.. just.."

It broke down from there.

ooc: I think he lost what he meant to say during sleep-time. Dammit.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin brushed fingers throgh his hair.

"Besides the performing, I pretty much only do one thing." Which wasn't really true, but it was so tied up in each other, he couldn't think of it any other way.

ooc: *snugs him* I got Caleb/Pogue about 1/2 done. Apparently I suck at PWP and there's whole plot and coming back to school a week later w/o having told any of them his father willed his power to him and is actually dead and stuff? Then there's kissage up against a wall.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"No you don't..." he said, soft, and with his eyes still closed.

"You do ... some of the most incredible things. You see into people, you know what they want, you know what you can do for them. You know what makes them tick, what makes them work..."

"You're magical. You're... You reach out..." Why was he even trying this again? "It's like the whole world's this big ball of color and you can just paint whatever you want all over it. It's not just about the sex. It's about everything. It's about the heart of people. It's..."

He shut up. Everything looked better from inside his head anyway.

ooc: We likes us the up against a wall. Yeah, I'm not much good at PWP either. Hence most of the fics so far being plotty. Ish. Mostly dialogue and uncomfortableness? In other news, Warren spent the better part of the last night alternately curled up and miserable or, of all things, talking to Pogue. I think they like each other.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin smiled, just a little, uncertain but with the faintest glimmering of hope tinged with something sad.

"I guess so. I just..." He brushed fingers down Warren's cheek. "I wish I could do that for you..." Some of it was survival instinct, yeah, but he couldn't help wondering if being able to use his powers would ease some of the desperate uncertainty. To know what Warren wanted, needed.

ooc: *nods* Oh, there's gonna be smut, we're just at. Um. 3 pages already without it? But with description of swimming and shower and Caleb seems obsessed with the water, for some reason.

And in my head eyeing Warren a little quizzically.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren's eyes flickered open for a second, then closed again, as he curled a little more into Devin.

"You do," he said, quietly. "At least, I think you do."

He wondered if it was maybe just experience, not finding the right words. He'd never felt so young, so stupid, so helpless in his life.

ooc: ... Huh. That kind of fits? It feels right, though I coudn't say why. But still huh. With the being obsessed with water, just. Huh.

Why eyeing Warren?

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"I couldn't..." Devin looked at him, feeling a little helpless, and back to being unsure.

ooc: Yeah. I got nothing. Esp as it's an Earth sign, not a water sign?

Possibly mildly weirded out that his doppelganger is hanging out with his best friend?

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"I'm stubborn." Which may or may not have meant anything. He was losing track of the conversation under the feeling that he wasn't right and kept fucking things up.

ooc: I still got nothing. Caleb's just... a merman.

Hee! Aww. Pogue likes him. Says he reminds him of Caleb, but he's grinning, so that could just be to weird him out.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"You're stronger."

ooc: Yeah, me either.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"Not really."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"I couldn't do anything." Some of the helplessness he'd felt that night reflected back in his voice.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"What? When?" Warren didn't remember. Didn't connect.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"That night. When I tried to show you...we were fighting...."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren's eyes opened, startled.

"Dev..." Things became clear, and he still didn't trust it. He'd been wrong before. "We were fighting. We barely knew each other. And..." he shook his head slightly. "I don't know. I dont' know why..."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin scowled. "I should still have been able to...effect you. And nothing."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren pulled in on himself, didn't know what to say to that. Didn't know if there was anything he could say that would make anything any better. He'd brought it up, and now he was dealing with the consequences, and he accepted that, but.

It felt wrong. Felt squirrelly, and he just kept pulling in on himself, trying to hide.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

That Devin could feel, and winced at . Winced that he could feel because Warren let him and winced because he'd never meant to say anything about that night again. About how helpless and...emasculated it made him feel. And terrifying, in a very real way, when the power he depended on to survive failed him.

But he'd never meant to throw it at Warren. "I'm sorry..." Fingers through his hair. "It doesn't matter. I trust you..." All the thoughts he'd had, the self-preservation...he didn't know if Warren understood what it had meant to Devin to not be able to use his power, didn't know if he could follow the train of thought. "I'm sorry..."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"I didn't know.." Or maybe just didn't understand. He did keep pulling in on himself, or maybe not. Wrapping himself back up again and trying not to at the same time, sliding in and out of a very strange headspace.

"I don't know why. Or how. It's not my gift. I don't know how it works. I don't know how... what happened, happened. I don't know why..."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"It doesn't matter..." Devin hated feeling him slide away like that, pull away, be gone and he was back to fighting tears and not wanting their night away to be like this. It had started so badly, and then been good, and he didn't want to go back to the bad.

"I'm sorry." Maybe if he said it enough, Warren would drop it. "It doesn't matter."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"It does matter," Warren said quietly, even if he couldn't explain how or why or why it bothered him except that it bothered Devin, clearly.

He took a shaky breath, though, leaning into Devin and forcing himself, piece by piece, to let it go. Let the walls drop back down. Stop pulling in, stop... going cold. If it could be called that. Even he hadn't quite realized how much he'd changed just in the last few months. It was work, to be vulnerable. And then, not to be.

It was strange. Now that he was thinking about it like that.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin wrapped his arms around him, tight. "It doesn't. Because I trust you. So it's okay."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren nodded slightly, giving up the fight, for now. He'd fucked up again, and the knowledge sat miserable and cold, a lump in the pit of his stomach.

One hand came up, brushing fingertips along Devin's arm. He didn't know when things had gotten so... chaotic. Messy. He wished things would stop being messy and start being simple and happy again.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin curled into him, clinging tight. "I'm sorry...." This had all started with him feeding. If he hadn't done that then...'

God, Warren had just been trying to make him feel better.

"I'm so sorry."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"'s okay..." he managed after a second, fingers curling around his arm to hold on, then sliding around to press into his back, curling over his shoulder. Holding on.

"'s not your fault." He didn't understand how it could be Devin's fault. "'s not your fault. 's me."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"No it's not...You were just trying to make me feel better and I went...off on you. I'm sorry...."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren flinched, hard. He hadn't been trying to make him feel better, dammit. It was the truth.

But he didn't know how to say it anymore, so he just sniffled and pressed into Devin and wondered miserably when this whole damn problem would ever end, if it would ever go away since it didn't look like anything he did would help.