The conversation had to happen sooner or later...

[killingsoftly]

Warren: Not! Gay!
Devin: *pouts*
Warren: I'm not! *wraps his arms around Devin's waist, though* I just happen to have a boyfriend.
Devin: You don't have to sound so horrified.
Warren: I'm not! Just insistent.
Devin: *doesn't comment* It's not a bad thing to be gay.
Warren: *seriously* No, it's not. Or whichever.
Devin: *still frowning*
Warren: *sighs, strokes fingers through his hair* I'm sorry, babe. I'm just.. getting tired of getting teased.
Devin: Why does it bother you if you're not...bothered by being with me?
Warren: Because half the time.. okay, when She teases she's just being silly, but half the time when .. they're teasing, they're not being nice.
Devin: *glares in their general direction* But why does it bother you? They wouldn't tease you if they didn't know they could get a rise, so...*shifting from glaring to a little lost* Why does it bother you enough that they can get that rise?
Warren: *shrugs slightly, holds him a little closer* I don't know. Something about the way they say it. Like ... they have some kind of... I don't know. *wry* Like they're trolling, and I'm the meat.
Devin: That doesn't have anything...*shrugs, pulls away a little*
Warren: *flash of outright fear, quickly suppressed* *shakes his head* You're . it's stupid. They're stupid, you're right.
Devin: *another little shrug*
Warren: *slides his hand down to curl his fingers lightly around Devin's*
Devin: *small frown, but doesn't pull away*
Warren: *expression slowly retreating back into the blank/sullen high school expression, lowering his head a bit*
Devin: I just....one day you'll....you'll get tired of the teasing, or you'll decide.....*shrugs*
Warren: Dev....
Devin: If you hate the idea of being associated with a group that likes to sleep with their own gender so very much....
Devin: What can you think of me?
Warren: *bites back something mean* It's not the idea, it's the tone .. it's.. *shakes his head angrily, fingers of his other hand flexing a bit* It's being reduced to a fucking stereotype, Dev. And then being looked at like he's going to fucking eat me.
Devin: He looks at everyone that way. He...*flinches back from the thought of him too much, flash of something in his eyes* It doesn't...I've never liked labels. I don't like stereotypes. People are people and what does it matter? But you get so angry....
Devin: Like you're ashamed you want to be with me.
Warren: This is me, Dev. This is what I am. I'm an angry guy. It has nothing to do with being ashamed. You... *small, tired smile* You haven't seen a lot of that. 'cause you make things better. But it's still me. Remember the cafeteria thing? Nearly roasting Will?
Devin: *nods* It just...what you're angry about....seems tied to the fact that you enjoy what we do...and that...*shrugs, wishing he hadn't said anything at all*
Warren: *shakes his head slightly, isn't sure what to say though, and has this sick panicky feeling that this is... something. the beginning of the end* *and maybe clings a littel tighter to Devin's hand because of it*
Devin: *pulls his knees up to his chest, wrapping his free arm around it tight*
Warren: Dev... *runs his free hand through his hair, still at a loss, still angry and scared*
Devin: *quietly* It's okay.
Warren: No it's not. You don't look okay.
Devin: I'm just being stupid...
Warren: No you're not... *sighs, scoots over next to him a bit* You're ... You're scared. .. So am I.
Devin: Why?
Warren: It's.. *tries to articulate, still half the time stuck in the whole teenage-macho-don't talk about feelings thing. also because he's Warren*
Warren: ... I can't help being.. what I am. How I feel, how... and maybe that's not enough. Maybe you'll get sick of the uncertainty.
Devin: *stares at him, slightly shocked*
Warren: *suddenly very, very afraid* ... what?
Devin: I'm ... you think I'd go? *almost laughing* god, I'm the most....No. I'm not....I'll stay as long as you want me, until you decide...*shrugs again, laugh turning to something closer to tears*
Warren: Dev... *scared, worried, not all that angry anymore* Dev, I'm... I've. I don't care. Gay, straight. Whatever. Bi. I don't care. *dry/bitter/self-hating* You have to live outside yourself to care about things like that in other people, and I don't. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a pretty selfish person. I don't... it doesn't bother me. That's not what bothers me. Nothing bothers me about you, about this.. not lik ethat.
Warren: And yeah. Sometimes... you know? Sometimes .. it's not like you have the ... the surety of knowing. Sometimes. I just.. I wonder.
Devin: Wonder what? *almost terrified*
Warren: *quietly, looking down, tired* Why you put up with this. With... someone who, obviously, you think could leave you any day now for some pretty girl. *back to bitter and self-hating* The uncertainty, it's gotta kill.
Warren: I mean... *sudden explosion* Why do you even put up with me?
Devin: *quietly* Because I love you.
Warren: *very small smile*
Warren: I love you, too.
Devin: I'd rather be with you, for as long as I have you than not
Warren: *small nod, lightly squeezing his hand* I'm not goign anywhere, Dev.
Devin: *squeezes back, tight and clinging*
Warren: *pulls him into his arms after a second, clinging right back*
Devin: *holds on, shaking a little*
Warren: I'm sorry, babe... I'm soso sorry. *kind of scared, almost crying, holding on tight*
Devin: *holds on to him tight, shaking* You don't need to....
Warren: *actually does start to cry, a couple hot tears* I’m sorry. I shouldn'ta said those stupid things.
Devin: *is crying a little, too, clinging to him* I shouldn't....I just get so scared you'll....that you don't really want.....me...
Warren: No.... *insistant, rocking them both a bit* No no no no... no. No. It's not like that. It's never been like that. *small smile* I'd've been happy figuring out I liked guys better than girls too. That's just.. not the way it turned out.
Devin: *tiniest flinch, but nods*
Warren: *snuffle-giggle* Believe me. I spent like two weeks checking out guys just to see... nothing. It's just you, babe. There's something special about you.
Devin: *wry, half sob* Why can't I just...*shakes his head*
Warren: Why can't you just...?

It hurt more than a little as he struggled to find the words he meant to say. "Why can't I just be happy? I have you, and if...if I'm not...or if you're not...you're still here, at least for now, and..." He swallowed back the tears, or tried to. "It just gets...like I should be smug. I should be all, 'oh, he's not gay, but for me he's willing to overlook that.' Only all I can think about when I let myself think about it, is what that means when the right girl comes along."

Comments

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren pushed some strands of hair from his eyes. "I don't believe in a right girl. Or a right guy. There's a right person, maybe. But I doubt it has anything to do with gender, or hair color, or ... number of toes. Or anything like that. I think it's just.. people."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin just shook his head, holding on tight to something inside.

"Then it doesn't matter..."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"Preference?" Warren held onto him. "Not really. I'd just rather be seen as a person instead of ... a new conquest or something."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin snorted. "What he calls you has no bearing on whether he sees you as a person or a conquest. I don't think he sees anyone as a person."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren nodded slightly. "I'm... I don't know. I'm still getting used to it, I guess." Wryly. "I don't think I've ever run into anyone quite like him. He could give my dad a run for his money."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin just shook his head a little with a bitter smile, curling more in on himself the longer they talked about the Sorcerer.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren swallowed. He had no idea what to do, what to say, and he wanted it to be better. Now. Right now. Or he wanted it to go away, or something. He wanted it to stop feeling like a knife twisting in his gut. Panic. Worry. Guilt, for hurting Devin. Hurt, for not being enough. Even if he didn't know, himself, what that meant.

His fingertips soothed up and down Devin's arm, trying to reassure himself as much as Devin with the touch.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"You're with me now," Devin said softly. "That's all that matters."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"Yes..." Warren murmured, and tried to feel it. '

Which gave him an idea.

"He-ey..." He sat up a little bit. "You're an empath, right? Or close enough? Here." One hand covered Devin's, bringing it up slowly to his cheek. "Here, let me show you..."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin looked a little wary, but nodded, letting Warren place his hand.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren closed his eyes. Tried to focus. It wasn't all that different from school. Only much more important.

The first layer, the most immediate, was the worry and guilt. Worry for Devin. Guilt at having caused the hurt. Fear of being left, swiftly being pushed away. Concern, and an ache at what he'd done with a few careless words.

Beneath that, something that was almost wistful. Wishing that he could be everything Devin needed. Shy relief and gratitude, that Devin was still here, after all that. Wonderment, at everything that they were to each other, the new amazement still there even after weeks of being together, just a little further down. Still finding it incredible that they could have fit so nicely, in so many ways. Awed that it was so powerful, and so right.

Beneath that, and still so close to the surface, as present as both layers were, quiet love. Happiness. The banked, smouldering fire, glowing strong and full of life. Sense memories piled on top of each other, all the little touches and smiles and moments of laughter and words softly spoken, reassuring and compelling and shoring him up under all that had been pressing down on him.

Devin made things better. It wasn't a revelation anymore, it was a simple fact that he accepted. Made the world lighter, brighter, made things bearable again. Made him want things again. Made him feel outside himself, made him relax. Made him smile. There was companionship and camraderie and his best friend and someone he loved deep and hard enough to make him dizzy with the implications. He could see forever with this, and it wouldn't be long enough. Dizzying to look down.

And there was no guilt for that. No shame, and only the nervous little bit of fear that comes from looking off a great height. Nothing unwanted, and no regrets.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Tears sprung to Devin's eyes as he felt what Warren felt, more tears than before. A lot of it he'd sensed before, when they were together, when Warren dropped the walls. Some of it he didn't quite...trust wasn't the right, but he still didn't have a clue how he made things better. It felt to him like he just made them...harder.

The guilt ate at him, making him wince, because what Warren said was only the truth and since Devin hated putting people into categories anyway, he didn't even know why it hurt so. It shouldn't, should it?

The lack of it later helped, the lack of regret, but the vehemence and the acceptance didn't seem to add up together and he wasn't sure how to make them fit, and some confusion fluttered back at Warren as he stroked lightly down his cheek.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

He wasn't as used to moving and projecting at the same time, and it took some concentration to lean into his touch, mouth moving in words that didn't quite make sense, eyes closed.

Confusion was easy enough to read, at least. Maybe they should practice this more often.

He brought back the memory of the most recent time it had happened, worst that should be innocuous, harmless, at worst amusing being spat out like belittling epithets. Warren, temper always too close to the surface when Devin wasn't around for too long, rising to the bait. Guilt and fear and shame underneath when he did, because he knew he was an easy mark. Too easy.

Rejection, not of the word or of his life or the life he was slowly building with Devin, but of the shrinking of it. The epithet. Rejecting the loathing and contempt behind it, being easy, being. something.

It wasn't that he was uncertain about himself. He'd tested himself and his attractions and eventually shrugged, deciding it didn't matter anyway. It was what it was. And being with Devin... and there, a thread of that wonder and almost glee again. Being with Devin made him want to bounce around and act like a complete idiot out of sheer joy.

But that didn't mean he'd turned into something else. Not like that, not in that way. He didn't want it to mean that. People grew and changed, but not like that.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin trembled a little, leaning into him. He couldn't see the images, tried to work through the feelings, frowning in concentration as it all washed around him. Anger, but not at him, and he was still confused.

He fucked everything up, and now they were here and Devin didn't even understand what the bastard had done, couldn't...feel anything but the anger and he could tell, yes, it wasn't at him, at them, but he still didn't understand it, just from the emotion.

He shook his head a little, fingers tightening around Warren's.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren sighed, closing his eyes. He wasn't sure how to explain it, to himself or to Devin. The tears started to leak down again as he clutched at Devin's hand, tighter, too.

"I'm... sorry." It was all he could think of to say.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin brushed the tears away, shaking his head a little. "Don't..."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"It's my fault..." was all he could think to say. God, he felt so stupid. He shouldn't have said anything in the first place. "I'm all.. fucked up, confused, and yeah we're both pretty fucked up. But this... it's .. It's causing this big mess, and it's my fault..."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin shook his head. "No, it's mine. It doesn't matter. I won't let it matter."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"I shouldn't..." He scowled. "I didn't think. I didn't fucking think. And now I fucked it up.."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"You didn't..." Devin sighed. "I shouldn't care so about words."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"Words hurt." Warren knew that at least as well as anyone, if not better than most. "Words are important. I should have ..."

He looked down. Felt miserable. "I should have kept my stupid mouth shut."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"I'd rather know than not," Devin said, barely above a whisper.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

And those words sent a spike of fear through his chest, panic, terror. He swallowed, hard. Had to convince himself that Devin didn't mean what he thought he meant.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin just shook his head, holding his hand tighter. "You shouldn't have to...to censor yourself."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

He could breathe again. Christ, that had sounded so... final.

"You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable with me, either," he murmured.