The conversation had to happen sooner or later...

[killingsoftly]

Warren: Not! Gay!
Devin: *pouts*
Warren: I'm not! *wraps his arms around Devin's waist, though* I just happen to have a boyfriend.
Devin: You don't have to sound so horrified.
Warren: I'm not! Just insistent.
Devin: *doesn't comment* It's not a bad thing to be gay.
Warren: *seriously* No, it's not. Or whichever.
Devin: *still frowning*
Warren: *sighs, strokes fingers through his hair* I'm sorry, babe. I'm just.. getting tired of getting teased.
Devin: Why does it bother you if you're not...bothered by being with me?
Warren: Because half the time.. okay, when She teases she's just being silly, but half the time when .. they're teasing, they're not being nice.
Devin: *glares in their general direction* But why does it bother you? They wouldn't tease you if they didn't know they could get a rise, so...*shifting from glaring to a little lost* Why does it bother you enough that they can get that rise?
Warren: *shrugs slightly, holds him a little closer* I don't know. Something about the way they say it. Like ... they have some kind of... I don't know. *wry* Like they're trolling, and I'm the meat.
Devin: That doesn't have anything...*shrugs, pulls away a little*
Warren: *flash of outright fear, quickly suppressed* *shakes his head* You're . it's stupid. They're stupid, you're right.
Devin: *another little shrug*
Warren: *slides his hand down to curl his fingers lightly around Devin's*
Devin: *small frown, but doesn't pull away*
Warren: *expression slowly retreating back into the blank/sullen high school expression, lowering his head a bit*
Devin: I just....one day you'll....you'll get tired of the teasing, or you'll decide.....*shrugs*
Warren: Dev....
Devin: If you hate the idea of being associated with a group that likes to sleep with their own gender so very much....
Devin: What can you think of me?
Warren: *bites back something mean* It's not the idea, it's the tone .. it's.. *shakes his head angrily, fingers of his other hand flexing a bit* It's being reduced to a fucking stereotype, Dev. And then being looked at like he's going to fucking eat me.
Devin: He looks at everyone that way. He...*flinches back from the thought of him too much, flash of something in his eyes* It doesn't...I've never liked labels. I don't like stereotypes. People are people and what does it matter? But you get so angry....
Devin: Like you're ashamed you want to be with me.
Warren: This is me, Dev. This is what I am. I'm an angry guy. It has nothing to do with being ashamed. You... *small, tired smile* You haven't seen a lot of that. 'cause you make things better. But it's still me. Remember the cafeteria thing? Nearly roasting Will?
Devin: *nods* It just...what you're angry about....seems tied to the fact that you enjoy what we do...and that...*shrugs, wishing he hadn't said anything at all*
Warren: *shakes his head slightly, isn't sure what to say though, and has this sick panicky feeling that this is... something. the beginning of the end* *and maybe clings a littel tighter to Devin's hand because of it*
Devin: *pulls his knees up to his chest, wrapping his free arm around it tight*
Warren: Dev... *runs his free hand through his hair, still at a loss, still angry and scared*
Devin: *quietly* It's okay.
Warren: No it's not. You don't look okay.
Devin: I'm just being stupid...
Warren: No you're not... *sighs, scoots over next to him a bit* You're ... You're scared. .. So am I.
Devin: Why?
Warren: It's.. *tries to articulate, still half the time stuck in the whole teenage-macho-don't talk about feelings thing. also because he's Warren*
Warren: ... I can't help being.. what I am. How I feel, how... and maybe that's not enough. Maybe you'll get sick of the uncertainty.
Devin: *stares at him, slightly shocked*
Warren: *suddenly very, very afraid* ... what?
Devin: I'm ... you think I'd go? *almost laughing* god, I'm the most....No. I'm not....I'll stay as long as you want me, until you decide...*shrugs again, laugh turning to something closer to tears*
Warren: Dev... *scared, worried, not all that angry anymore* Dev, I'm... I've. I don't care. Gay, straight. Whatever. Bi. I don't care. *dry/bitter/self-hating* You have to live outside yourself to care about things like that in other people, and I don't. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a pretty selfish person. I don't... it doesn't bother me. That's not what bothers me. Nothing bothers me about you, about this.. not lik ethat.
Warren: And yeah. Sometimes... you know? Sometimes .. it's not like you have the ... the surety of knowing. Sometimes. I just.. I wonder.
Devin: Wonder what? *almost terrified*
Warren: *quietly, looking down, tired* Why you put up with this. With... someone who, obviously, you think could leave you any day now for some pretty girl. *back to bitter and self-hating* The uncertainty, it's gotta kill.
Warren: I mean... *sudden explosion* Why do you even put up with me?
Devin: *quietly* Because I love you.
Warren: *very small smile*
Warren: I love you, too.
Devin: I'd rather be with you, for as long as I have you than not
Warren: *small nod, lightly squeezing his hand* I'm not goign anywhere, Dev.
Devin: *squeezes back, tight and clinging*
Warren: *pulls him into his arms after a second, clinging right back*
Devin: *holds on, shaking a little*
Warren: I'm sorry, babe... I'm soso sorry. *kind of scared, almost crying, holding on tight*
Devin: *holds on to him tight, shaking* You don't need to....
Warren: *actually does start to cry, a couple hot tears* I’m sorry. I shouldn'ta said those stupid things.
Devin: *is crying a little, too, clinging to him* I shouldn't....I just get so scared you'll....that you don't really want.....me...
Warren: No.... *insistant, rocking them both a bit* No no no no... no. No. It's not like that. It's never been like that. *small smile* I'd've been happy figuring out I liked guys better than girls too. That's just.. not the way it turned out.
Devin: *tiniest flinch, but nods*
Warren: *snuffle-giggle* Believe me. I spent like two weeks checking out guys just to see... nothing. It's just you, babe. There's something special about you.
Devin: *wry, half sob* Why can't I just...*shakes his head*
Warren: Why can't you just...?

It hurt more than a little as he struggled to find the words he meant to say. "Why can't I just be happy? I have you, and if...if I'm not...or if you're not...you're still here, at least for now, and..." He swallowed back the tears, or tried to. "It just gets...like I should be smug. I should be all, 'oh, he's not gay, but for me he's willing to overlook that.' Only all I can think about when I let myself think about it, is what that means when the right girl comes along."

Comments

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren snuggled into him as best he could when all of his limbs seemed to be weighed down by exhaustion. The sex hadn't been that energetic had...

And then he remembered, and it worked its way through the weariness but by that time it was too late to murmur much more than his name before his eyes closed and sleep dragged him under.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin bit his lip, worry in his eyes, nearly panic. But still, he was breathing, and he wasn't pale. He still had his ruddy color in his cheeks. Devin breathed a sigh of relief, curling up next to him and wrapping his arms around him tight.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren slept. Dreamed, strange dreams, full of sex and touching and the spicy-sweet smell of Devin all wrapped up around him. Jagged edges of fear and red lightning slicing through it. He didn't know what was going on, just that something was wrong and he had to sooth it away with kisses and touches and a warm fire between his fingers. Make the cold go away.

He could do that. Was good at it. He wrapped Devin's hands around his and lit the fire off the center of his palms, closing his hands a little so that it didn't burn his beloved, just kept them warm. And there was the beginnings of smiles as the cold receeded, as they huddled together in the darkness. And the sun was slowly coming up, anyway.

Except that wasn't the sun. That was the hotel room lights, and his lashes fluttered as he struggled to open his eyes, two hours later. Everything was warm and drifty. And heavy. His body felt so heavy.

"Mmph?"

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Sound was good. Very good. He hadn't moved much. Gone to the bathroom. Gotten some water for himself, for Warren if--when he woke. Then he'd just watched.

He sighed in relief at the small noise, hugging Warren tight, impulsive.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren managed to move one arm to snug around his waist, hugging him weakly. Waking up was taking longer than it usually did.

With consciousness came awareness of what had happened. "Hey..." he whispered. "How long was I out?"

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"Couple of hours..." Devin's voice cracked a bit, trembling against him.

"I'm sorry..."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"Hey..." He managed to move a little more, nuzzling at his cheek.

"Hey. It's okay. I'm okay."

And slowly regaining strength, too. Regaining awareness, consciousness. It wasn't bad. Just like coming out of an exhausted sleep.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin clung to him. "I didn't mean to..." He'd just been so hungry.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"It's okay." He nuzzled at his cheek, turning to kiss him softly. "I don't mind."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin looked at him, very confused. "You don't?"

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"No..." He smiled slightly. "What..."

No. No no, he didn't want to phrase it like that. Oh, god, no.

"What you do, it doesn't bother me. You take a little, I sleep for a couple hours. It's okay."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"I just...didn't mean....That's not what I meant to do..."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"I figured." Warren kissed him again. "It's okay."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin curled against him, kissing back, but looking miserable.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"Hey..." Softly, and Warren sat up, pulling him more into his arms. He was pretty much awake and alert now, and even if his body was sore it was the natural kind of sore from their exertions and he had his strength back. Briefly, he wondered if that was normal. Right now it was more important to show it than to ask.

"Hey." He curled protectively around Devin. "It's okay. I'm okay, nothing bad happened. It was just a slip, just something unexpected, we can figure out... where things go from here. It's okay. I'm not going anywhere."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin sighed, shifting to curl into him, arms tight around him.

"I just try to be so careful."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren stroked his fingertips along his back. "I know, babe. One slip, though. It's not the end of the world." Now might not be the right time to talk about it, though.

"I'm right here. I'm okay, we're okay. We'll just be more careful. Figure out, maybe, what happened, how we can avoid it."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin's lower lip trembled just a bit, spirtual exhaustion fighting with the physical high that wasn't quite enough.

"I thought I could handle it...I'm just so hungry." And despite the fact that it was totally his fault that he was, that came out in a plaintive tone.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"Then maybe..." Or, yeah, maybe now was the right time to get into it. He smoothed his hand over Devin's cheek.

"Maybe we shouldn't let you get that hungry."

And Devin really wasn't going to like this next part. "Maybe you should do that more often." He avoided the words 'feed off me' although that was really what he was offering. It might balance things out a bit.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

There was fleeting terror in Devin's eyes as he pulled back.

"I can't."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren kept a light hold on him, letting him pull back but sliding his hands to his shoulders.

"Dev, if you're going around this hungry... your control's going to slip again. We don't want to let that happen. And there might not always be a concert, or a tour. You're going to have to get it from somewhere."

Leaving open the possibility that it wouldn't be him, though.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin frowned, glancing away. "I've never...I don't know how much I can take from anyone on a regular bassi without..." He shrugged. The rest was implied.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"Well..." Warren took a breath, trying to figure things out. "This is a start."

"Say, this is how much you can safely take in one session. Which isn't nearly enough, I guess..." Not to live on. But it might be enough to take the edge off? "I don't mean like we should start doing this every time. But give it a couple weeks, or a month. Even two months. And, if you're willing to try it..." And he cupped his hands to Devin's face, turning him to face him so that he knew, really knew this part. "If you're willing to try it, we can wait that long, see how I handle that. See how it works for you."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

It was natural, what everything in him craved to do, bonding to his lover that way. He nodded, just a little.

"Only sometimes. And only if you're...healthy."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren nodded slightly. "Okay." It was something they could both live with. And they'd continue to talk about and explore alternatives. "Okay."

He curled back around him, protective and still a little worried. Smiled, a little, at the irony of him being worried about Devin when Devin was so clearly panicked about hurting him.

"Love you," he whispered.