The conversation had to happen sooner or later...

[killingsoftly]

Warren: Not! Gay!
Devin: *pouts*
Warren: I'm not! *wraps his arms around Devin's waist, though* I just happen to have a boyfriend.
Devin: You don't have to sound so horrified.
Warren: I'm not! Just insistent.
Devin: *doesn't comment* It's not a bad thing to be gay.
Warren: *seriously* No, it's not. Or whichever.
Devin: *still frowning*
Warren: *sighs, strokes fingers through his hair* I'm sorry, babe. I'm just.. getting tired of getting teased.
Devin: Why does it bother you if you're not...bothered by being with me?
Warren: Because half the time.. okay, when She teases she's just being silly, but half the time when .. they're teasing, they're not being nice.
Devin: *glares in their general direction* But why does it bother you? They wouldn't tease you if they didn't know they could get a rise, so...*shifting from glaring to a little lost* Why does it bother you enough that they can get that rise?
Warren: *shrugs slightly, holds him a little closer* I don't know. Something about the way they say it. Like ... they have some kind of... I don't know. *wry* Like they're trolling, and I'm the meat.
Devin: That doesn't have anything...*shrugs, pulls away a little*
Warren: *flash of outright fear, quickly suppressed* *shakes his head* You're . it's stupid. They're stupid, you're right.
Devin: *another little shrug*
Warren: *slides his hand down to curl his fingers lightly around Devin's*
Devin: *small frown, but doesn't pull away*
Warren: *expression slowly retreating back into the blank/sullen high school expression, lowering his head a bit*
Devin: I just....one day you'll....you'll get tired of the teasing, or you'll decide.....*shrugs*
Warren: Dev....
Devin: If you hate the idea of being associated with a group that likes to sleep with their own gender so very much....
Devin: What can you think of me?
Warren: *bites back something mean* It's not the idea, it's the tone .. it's.. *shakes his head angrily, fingers of his other hand flexing a bit* It's being reduced to a fucking stereotype, Dev. And then being looked at like he's going to fucking eat me.
Devin: He looks at everyone that way. He...*flinches back from the thought of him too much, flash of something in his eyes* It doesn't...I've never liked labels. I don't like stereotypes. People are people and what does it matter? But you get so angry....
Devin: Like you're ashamed you want to be with me.
Warren: This is me, Dev. This is what I am. I'm an angry guy. It has nothing to do with being ashamed. You... *small, tired smile* You haven't seen a lot of that. 'cause you make things better. But it's still me. Remember the cafeteria thing? Nearly roasting Will?
Devin: *nods* It just...what you're angry about....seems tied to the fact that you enjoy what we do...and that...*shrugs, wishing he hadn't said anything at all*
Warren: *shakes his head slightly, isn't sure what to say though, and has this sick panicky feeling that this is... something. the beginning of the end* *and maybe clings a littel tighter to Devin's hand because of it*
Devin: *pulls his knees up to his chest, wrapping his free arm around it tight*
Warren: Dev... *runs his free hand through his hair, still at a loss, still angry and scared*
Devin: *quietly* It's okay.
Warren: No it's not. You don't look okay.
Devin: I'm just being stupid...
Warren: No you're not... *sighs, scoots over next to him a bit* You're ... You're scared. .. So am I.
Devin: Why?
Warren: It's.. *tries to articulate, still half the time stuck in the whole teenage-macho-don't talk about feelings thing. also because he's Warren*
Warren: ... I can't help being.. what I am. How I feel, how... and maybe that's not enough. Maybe you'll get sick of the uncertainty.
Devin: *stares at him, slightly shocked*
Warren: *suddenly very, very afraid* ... what?
Devin: I'm ... you think I'd go? *almost laughing* god, I'm the most....No. I'm not....I'll stay as long as you want me, until you decide...*shrugs again, laugh turning to something closer to tears*
Warren: Dev... *scared, worried, not all that angry anymore* Dev, I'm... I've. I don't care. Gay, straight. Whatever. Bi. I don't care. *dry/bitter/self-hating* You have to live outside yourself to care about things like that in other people, and I don't. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a pretty selfish person. I don't... it doesn't bother me. That's not what bothers me. Nothing bothers me about you, about this.. not lik ethat.
Warren: And yeah. Sometimes... you know? Sometimes .. it's not like you have the ... the surety of knowing. Sometimes. I just.. I wonder.
Devin: Wonder what? *almost terrified*
Warren: *quietly, looking down, tired* Why you put up with this. With... someone who, obviously, you think could leave you any day now for some pretty girl. *back to bitter and self-hating* The uncertainty, it's gotta kill.
Warren: I mean... *sudden explosion* Why do you even put up with me?
Devin: *quietly* Because I love you.
Warren: *very small smile*
Warren: I love you, too.
Devin: I'd rather be with you, for as long as I have you than not
Warren: *small nod, lightly squeezing his hand* I'm not goign anywhere, Dev.
Devin: *squeezes back, tight and clinging*
Warren: *pulls him into his arms after a second, clinging right back*
Devin: *holds on, shaking a little*
Warren: I'm sorry, babe... I'm soso sorry. *kind of scared, almost crying, holding on tight*
Devin: *holds on to him tight, shaking* You don't need to....
Warren: *actually does start to cry, a couple hot tears* I’m sorry. I shouldn'ta said those stupid things.
Devin: *is crying a little, too, clinging to him* I shouldn't....I just get so scared you'll....that you don't really want.....me...
Warren: No.... *insistant, rocking them both a bit* No no no no... no. No. It's not like that. It's never been like that. *small smile* I'd've been happy figuring out I liked guys better than girls too. That's just.. not the way it turned out.
Devin: *tiniest flinch, but nods*
Warren: *snuffle-giggle* Believe me. I spent like two weeks checking out guys just to see... nothing. It's just you, babe. There's something special about you.
Devin: *wry, half sob* Why can't I just...*shakes his head*
Warren: Why can't you just...?

It hurt more than a little as he struggled to find the words he meant to say. "Why can't I just be happy? I have you, and if...if I'm not...or if you're not...you're still here, at least for now, and..." He swallowed back the tears, or tried to. "It just gets...like I should be smug. I should be all, 'oh, he's not gay, but for me he's willing to overlook that.' Only all I can think about when I let myself think about it, is what that means when the right girl comes along."

Comments

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"It's not your fault, babe. It's not your fault."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"Feels like my fault," he said softly.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"It's not." Fingers combed through his hair while he thought about it. "It's just one of those things. That we have to figure out together, it's not your fault."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"How do we figure it out?" He wondered if he sounded as lost as he felt.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"One thing at a time. When we're in a position to think about things. Maybe tomorrow."

He hugged Devin lightly, kissed the curve of his neck.

"Right now I think we've had about all the intense discussion of anything we can take. I'm not going anywhere, and you're not goign anywhere, so we have tomorrow to talk about stuff. Today, we just curl up and relax."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin smiled a little, curling up. "I can do that."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"Cool." A smile in his voice, snuggling up against him. Another kiss to his cheek. "'s nice out."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"It really is. Though I wonder when it's gonna start cooling down..."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"Probably in a few months." Warren made a wry sound. "When we're all wishing it would warm up because our toes are frozen."

Warren grinned at a sudden thought, dropped his chin to Devin's shoulder. "Which means no cold feet on my legs in the middle of the night."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin looked over his shoulder with big eyes. "But you're warm..."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"Uh-huh." Warren grinned. Didn't quite giggle. "And I bet your feet turn to icicles in the winter."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin pouted. "They do not."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren kissed him. Because pouts had to be kissed. "I guess we're gonna find out."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin smiled at him, just a little shy. "I guess so."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren smiled softly back. "Hey, at least it's a big bed. I don't have to roll you out of it if you've got cold feet. Or hands. I can just roll you to the other side."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin pouted again. "I like being next to you."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

So Warren kissed him again.

And grinned. "Cold feet!"

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"I'd let you put your cold feet on me...."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"Aww." Warren hugged him, nuzzled a bit, smiling. "Okay, then, I guess I have to. I mean, how can you not be moved by that? That's true love."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin nodded seriously. "It really is."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren grinned, kissed him again. "I'll keep us warm," he said, this time semi-seriously.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin kissed him back. "You always do."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"Always will." Stroking his hair.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin nodded, not arguing with him about it.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren sighed a bit, just a relaxed sound. Took a sip of his coffee and then balanced it up on the bench again.