The conversation had to happen sooner or later...

[killingsoftly]

Warren: Not! Gay!
Devin: *pouts*
Warren: I'm not! *wraps his arms around Devin's waist, though* I just happen to have a boyfriend.
Devin: You don't have to sound so horrified.
Warren: I'm not! Just insistent.
Devin: *doesn't comment* It's not a bad thing to be gay.
Warren: *seriously* No, it's not. Or whichever.
Devin: *still frowning*
Warren: *sighs, strokes fingers through his hair* I'm sorry, babe. I'm just.. getting tired of getting teased.
Devin: Why does it bother you if you're not...bothered by being with me?
Warren: Because half the time.. okay, when She teases she's just being silly, but half the time when .. they're teasing, they're not being nice.
Devin: *glares in their general direction* But why does it bother you? They wouldn't tease you if they didn't know they could get a rise, so...*shifting from glaring to a little lost* Why does it bother you enough that they can get that rise?
Warren: *shrugs slightly, holds him a little closer* I don't know. Something about the way they say it. Like ... they have some kind of... I don't know. *wry* Like they're trolling, and I'm the meat.
Devin: That doesn't have anything...*shrugs, pulls away a little*
Warren: *flash of outright fear, quickly suppressed* *shakes his head* You're . it's stupid. They're stupid, you're right.
Devin: *another little shrug*
Warren: *slides his hand down to curl his fingers lightly around Devin's*
Devin: *small frown, but doesn't pull away*
Warren: *expression slowly retreating back into the blank/sullen high school expression, lowering his head a bit*
Devin: I just....one day you'll....you'll get tired of the teasing, or you'll decide.....*shrugs*
Warren: Dev....
Devin: If you hate the idea of being associated with a group that likes to sleep with their own gender so very much....
Devin: What can you think of me?
Warren: *bites back something mean* It's not the idea, it's the tone .. it's.. *shakes his head angrily, fingers of his other hand flexing a bit* It's being reduced to a fucking stereotype, Dev. And then being looked at like he's going to fucking eat me.
Devin: He looks at everyone that way. He...*flinches back from the thought of him too much, flash of something in his eyes* It doesn't...I've never liked labels. I don't like stereotypes. People are people and what does it matter? But you get so angry....
Devin: Like you're ashamed you want to be with me.
Warren: This is me, Dev. This is what I am. I'm an angry guy. It has nothing to do with being ashamed. You... *small, tired smile* You haven't seen a lot of that. 'cause you make things better. But it's still me. Remember the cafeteria thing? Nearly roasting Will?
Devin: *nods* It just...what you're angry about....seems tied to the fact that you enjoy what we do...and that...*shrugs, wishing he hadn't said anything at all*
Warren: *shakes his head slightly, isn't sure what to say though, and has this sick panicky feeling that this is... something. the beginning of the end* *and maybe clings a littel tighter to Devin's hand because of it*
Devin: *pulls his knees up to his chest, wrapping his free arm around it tight*
Warren: Dev... *runs his free hand through his hair, still at a loss, still angry and scared*
Devin: *quietly* It's okay.
Warren: No it's not. You don't look okay.
Devin: I'm just being stupid...
Warren: No you're not... *sighs, scoots over next to him a bit* You're ... You're scared. .. So am I.
Devin: Why?
Warren: It's.. *tries to articulate, still half the time stuck in the whole teenage-macho-don't talk about feelings thing. also because he's Warren*
Warren: ... I can't help being.. what I am. How I feel, how... and maybe that's not enough. Maybe you'll get sick of the uncertainty.
Devin: *stares at him, slightly shocked*
Warren: *suddenly very, very afraid* ... what?
Devin: I'm ... you think I'd go? *almost laughing* god, I'm the most....No. I'm not....I'll stay as long as you want me, until you decide...*shrugs again, laugh turning to something closer to tears*
Warren: Dev... *scared, worried, not all that angry anymore* Dev, I'm... I've. I don't care. Gay, straight. Whatever. Bi. I don't care. *dry/bitter/self-hating* You have to live outside yourself to care about things like that in other people, and I don't. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a pretty selfish person. I don't... it doesn't bother me. That's not what bothers me. Nothing bothers me about you, about this.. not lik ethat.
Warren: And yeah. Sometimes... you know? Sometimes .. it's not like you have the ... the surety of knowing. Sometimes. I just.. I wonder.
Devin: Wonder what? *almost terrified*
Warren: *quietly, looking down, tired* Why you put up with this. With... someone who, obviously, you think could leave you any day now for some pretty girl. *back to bitter and self-hating* The uncertainty, it's gotta kill.
Warren: I mean... *sudden explosion* Why do you even put up with me?
Devin: *quietly* Because I love you.
Warren: *very small smile*
Warren: I love you, too.
Devin: I'd rather be with you, for as long as I have you than not
Warren: *small nod, lightly squeezing his hand* I'm not goign anywhere, Dev.
Devin: *squeezes back, tight and clinging*
Warren: *pulls him into his arms after a second, clinging right back*
Devin: *holds on, shaking a little*
Warren: I'm sorry, babe... I'm soso sorry. *kind of scared, almost crying, holding on tight*
Devin: *holds on to him tight, shaking* You don't need to....
Warren: *actually does start to cry, a couple hot tears* I’m sorry. I shouldn'ta said those stupid things.
Devin: *is crying a little, too, clinging to him* I shouldn't....I just get so scared you'll....that you don't really want.....me...
Warren: No.... *insistant, rocking them both a bit* No no no no... no. No. It's not like that. It's never been like that. *small smile* I'd've been happy figuring out I liked guys better than girls too. That's just.. not the way it turned out.
Devin: *tiniest flinch, but nods*
Warren: *snuffle-giggle* Believe me. I spent like two weeks checking out guys just to see... nothing. It's just you, babe. There's something special about you.
Devin: *wry, half sob* Why can't I just...*shakes his head*
Warren: Why can't you just...?

It hurt more than a little as he struggled to find the words he meant to say. "Why can't I just be happy? I have you, and if...if I'm not...or if you're not...you're still here, at least for now, and..." He swallowed back the tears, or tried to. "It just gets...like I should be smug. I should be all, 'oh, he's not gay, but for me he's willing to overlook that.' Only all I can think about when I let myself think about it, is what that means when the right girl comes along."

Comments

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

It was a little easier once they were in motion. Easier to maneuver/tug Devin to the car and focus on driving to the park, rather than what they'd been talking about. It helped, a little.

ooc: *sighs* Yay. Fun. Both of them feeling strong emotions like that and neither of them able to articulate.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin worked on breathing, still curled up tight in the seat, reminiscent of their last trip when the Sorcerer had...

He knocked the thought away before he started shaking again.

ooc: *nods, sighs* Yeah. And all of this is just bringing Devin back to how the Sorcerer was cruel before and ... ick.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren kept one hand on the wheel and one hand stroking lightly over Devin's knee. Just to touch.

He did take them by the bakery, but only ran in quick for the cookies and coffee with a quick kiss to Devin's cheek and a promise that he'd be right back. And he was.

ooc: *wry* I knew we weren'td one with that. Fucker.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin wrapped his hands around the coffee with a little smile at Warren.

"Thanks."

ooc: Well, as fucking with them seems to be his new game, yeah. *wry* Esp considering Devin has what the Sorcerer pretended, but the same terror that it's just as much an illusion as that was.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"'welcome." He smiled softly back, brushing his fingers through Devin's hair before starting them towards the park.

ooc: *wry* Yeah. *sighs* I need to find him some new targets that have nothing to do with us. Maybe drop him back in Lost Souls and just give him a fic plot that other people can partake of.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin held tight to the coffee, going back to concentrating on breathing right.

ooc: *sighs* He's totally flashing back and ready to cry again.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren glanced at him and started bending the speed limit towards the park. He didn't know why he'd fixated on it as helping. Maybe just an area away from the damn hotel room where he figured it had happened, where he'd dealt with the aftermath.

ooc: *sighs* I knew... well, at least Warren knows he's not ... he figured at the time Devin wasn't as recovered as he said he was.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

It had helped before. Devin was just as anxious to get there again. He sipped at the coffee.

ooc: So he's figured some of this is not from just their conversation?

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren was making plans. Thinking.

And driving really fast. He really wanted some kind of teleport device, but the last time he could remember anyone messing around with a teleporter it had a nasty tendency to teleport things in pieces.

Finally he slowed as they pulled into the small parking lot, so as not to jerk them to a stop.

ooc: When he's figuring at all and not just reacting? Yes. Fortunately now he's in fix-it mode, which involves figuring.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin looked out at the trees, and had a moment's fear of it not helping and him feeling just as lost as he had before.

ooc: *nods* that's good. Gah. Why do I end up with abuse victims in my head, who have fucking flashbacks?

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren reached out, laid a hand over his. "You okay to be here?"

ooc: *sighs, hugs* I don't know. Why do I end up with fucking maniacks in my head?

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine."

ooc: I have those too?

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren brushed the backs of his fingers against Devin's cheek for a moment, then grabbed the cookies and his coffee and got out.

ooc: It seems like mine ar ealwyays the ones going around fucking people up. *kicks him*

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin got out on his side, moving around to Warren, reaching to touch his hand, almost hesitant.

ooc: Well, he is the archetype for the rest. *wry*

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren smiled softly at him, laced his fingers through and squeezed Devin's hand gently, leading him over to what he was now thinking of as thier bench.

Ooc: *sighs* Yeah. May have bitten off more than I can chew, there.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin followed him, fingers clinging again.

ooc: *wry* maybe.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren got them situated on the bench, Devin in front of him and leaning against him, one arm around his waist. "Love you," he murmured. Because he could, and because he was still worried.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"I love you, too," he murmured softly, leaning back into him, fingers dancing over his hand.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren reached and dropped the cookie bag in front of them, set his own coffee on top of the back of the stone bench beside him. It'd be a bit awkward to get, but he wouldn't have to move much.

He sighed a bit, trying to let himself relax, enjoy the outside sounds of the park. Still keeping his arm around Devin's waist, listening to his breathing and sounds, too. Listening to see how he was doing.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin leaned back into him, closing his eyes and listening, sipping at his coffee. Warren's heartbeat. His heartbeat. Usually he found these things so soothing.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren stroked the fingertips of his free hand over his arm. Just a light touch. Trying to think of what to do next.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry..."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"It's not your fault, babe. It's not your fault."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"Feels like my fault," he said softly.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"It's not." Fingers combed through his hair while he thought about it. "It's just one of those things. That we have to figure out together, it's not your fault."