The conversation had to happen sooner or later...

[killingsoftly]

Warren: Not! Gay!
Devin: *pouts*
Warren: I'm not! *wraps his arms around Devin's waist, though* I just happen to have a boyfriend.
Devin: You don't have to sound so horrified.
Warren: I'm not! Just insistent.
Devin: *doesn't comment* It's not a bad thing to be gay.
Warren: *seriously* No, it's not. Or whichever.
Devin: *still frowning*
Warren: *sighs, strokes fingers through his hair* I'm sorry, babe. I'm just.. getting tired of getting teased.
Devin: Why does it bother you if you're not...bothered by being with me?
Warren: Because half the time.. okay, when She teases she's just being silly, but half the time when .. they're teasing, they're not being nice.
Devin: *glares in their general direction* But why does it bother you? They wouldn't tease you if they didn't know they could get a rise, so...*shifting from glaring to a little lost* Why does it bother you enough that they can get that rise?
Warren: *shrugs slightly, holds him a little closer* I don't know. Something about the way they say it. Like ... they have some kind of... I don't know. *wry* Like they're trolling, and I'm the meat.
Devin: That doesn't have anything...*shrugs, pulls away a little*
Warren: *flash of outright fear, quickly suppressed* *shakes his head* You're . it's stupid. They're stupid, you're right.
Devin: *another little shrug*
Warren: *slides his hand down to curl his fingers lightly around Devin's*
Devin: *small frown, but doesn't pull away*
Warren: *expression slowly retreating back into the blank/sullen high school expression, lowering his head a bit*
Devin: I just....one day you'll....you'll get tired of the teasing, or you'll decide.....*shrugs*
Warren: Dev....
Devin: If you hate the idea of being associated with a group that likes to sleep with their own gender so very much....
Devin: What can you think of me?
Warren: *bites back something mean* It's not the idea, it's the tone .. it's.. *shakes his head angrily, fingers of his other hand flexing a bit* It's being reduced to a fucking stereotype, Dev. And then being looked at like he's going to fucking eat me.
Devin: He looks at everyone that way. He...*flinches back from the thought of him too much, flash of something in his eyes* It doesn't...I've never liked labels. I don't like stereotypes. People are people and what does it matter? But you get so angry....
Devin: Like you're ashamed you want to be with me.
Warren: This is me, Dev. This is what I am. I'm an angry guy. It has nothing to do with being ashamed. You... *small, tired smile* You haven't seen a lot of that. 'cause you make things better. But it's still me. Remember the cafeteria thing? Nearly roasting Will?
Devin: *nods* It just...what you're angry about....seems tied to the fact that you enjoy what we do...and that...*shrugs, wishing he hadn't said anything at all*
Warren: *shakes his head slightly, isn't sure what to say though, and has this sick panicky feeling that this is... something. the beginning of the end* *and maybe clings a littel tighter to Devin's hand because of it*
Devin: *pulls his knees up to his chest, wrapping his free arm around it tight*
Warren: Dev... *runs his free hand through his hair, still at a loss, still angry and scared*
Devin: *quietly* It's okay.
Warren: No it's not. You don't look okay.
Devin: I'm just being stupid...
Warren: No you're not... *sighs, scoots over next to him a bit* You're ... You're scared. .. So am I.
Devin: Why?
Warren: It's.. *tries to articulate, still half the time stuck in the whole teenage-macho-don't talk about feelings thing. also because he's Warren*
Warren: ... I can't help being.. what I am. How I feel, how... and maybe that's not enough. Maybe you'll get sick of the uncertainty.
Devin: *stares at him, slightly shocked*
Warren: *suddenly very, very afraid* ... what?
Devin: I'm ... you think I'd go? *almost laughing* god, I'm the most....No. I'm not....I'll stay as long as you want me, until you decide...*shrugs again, laugh turning to something closer to tears*
Warren: Dev... *scared, worried, not all that angry anymore* Dev, I'm... I've. I don't care. Gay, straight. Whatever. Bi. I don't care. *dry/bitter/self-hating* You have to live outside yourself to care about things like that in other people, and I don't. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a pretty selfish person. I don't... it doesn't bother me. That's not what bothers me. Nothing bothers me about you, about this.. not lik ethat.
Warren: And yeah. Sometimes... you know? Sometimes .. it's not like you have the ... the surety of knowing. Sometimes. I just.. I wonder.
Devin: Wonder what? *almost terrified*
Warren: *quietly, looking down, tired* Why you put up with this. With... someone who, obviously, you think could leave you any day now for some pretty girl. *back to bitter and self-hating* The uncertainty, it's gotta kill.
Warren: I mean... *sudden explosion* Why do you even put up with me?
Devin: *quietly* Because I love you.
Warren: *very small smile*
Warren: I love you, too.
Devin: I'd rather be with you, for as long as I have you than not
Warren: *small nod, lightly squeezing his hand* I'm not goign anywhere, Dev.
Devin: *squeezes back, tight and clinging*
Warren: *pulls him into his arms after a second, clinging right back*
Devin: *holds on, shaking a little*
Warren: I'm sorry, babe... I'm soso sorry. *kind of scared, almost crying, holding on tight*
Devin: *holds on to him tight, shaking* You don't need to....
Warren: *actually does start to cry, a couple hot tears* I’m sorry. I shouldn'ta said those stupid things.
Devin: *is crying a little, too, clinging to him* I shouldn't....I just get so scared you'll....that you don't really want.....me...
Warren: No.... *insistant, rocking them both a bit* No no no no... no. No. It's not like that. It's never been like that. *small smile* I'd've been happy figuring out I liked guys better than girls too. That's just.. not the way it turned out.
Devin: *tiniest flinch, but nods*
Warren: *snuffle-giggle* Believe me. I spent like two weeks checking out guys just to see... nothing. It's just you, babe. There's something special about you.
Devin: *wry, half sob* Why can't I just...*shakes his head*
Warren: Why can't you just...?

It hurt more than a little as he struggled to find the words he meant to say. "Why can't I just be happy? I have you, and if...if I'm not...or if you're not...you're still here, at least for now, and..." He swallowed back the tears, or tried to. "It just gets...like I should be smug. I should be all, 'oh, he's not gay, but for me he's willing to overlook that.' Only all I can think about when I let myself think about it, is what that means when the right girl comes along."

Comments

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin turned his head so his cheek was on his knees, watching him.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"I don't..." he started, then swallowed. His face felt sticky. "I don't know. I mean. How'm I supposed to define myself now? I'm .. a musician. Kind of. Learning how. I'm an adult, as of this year. I'm someone's boyfriend. I've got a boyfriend."

He smiled a little at that. "Most wonderful boyfriend in the whole wide world." Lightly hugging Devin.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"You define yourself however you want to," Devin said, still quiet, but leaning into him a bit.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"I'm not sure I'd know how to anymore," Warren said, also quiet.

He ventured a small smile, though. "Guess it's probably a good thing that I don't think you need to have, like a textbook definition, though. I'm happy where I am."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin tried to smile back. "I'm glad of that..."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"I am," he said quietly, the smile fading a bit, hugging him closer.

There were words in his mouth, but he couldn't figure out how to get them out. Eventually he settled for a slightly plaintive "I miss you when you're not around." Which didn't seem to convey the shivering fear that he would leave.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin leaned his head on his shoulder. "I can't stand it when you're gone..." Because he never fully expected him to come back.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren slid his fingers through his hair, cuddling him tight.

"So I guess we should try being not apart as much as possible."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin nodded a little and clung to him tightly.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren smoothed his fingers through his hair, down his back. He wasn't sure what else to say.

At least maybe Devin wasn't leaving? And he knew it was stupid to think that after the conversation they just had. But he couldn't help feeling that small dread.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin clung tighter, fighting back tears of either relief or something darker, and he couldn't say what.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"We'll figure this out," Warren murmured. Because he knew it wasn't over, something in him knew this wasn't over.

"Maybe I'll just be short-tempered and kick his ass next time he starts in on me."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin looked up, panic in his eyes.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren slid back just enough that he could cup his face in his hands and kiss him.

"Okay. I won't do anything to put myself in danger."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"Just...can't you just avoid him? Stay away? Because he'll keep saying those things..." Devin's words spilled out around the kiss.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"I can try..." The second time he'd sought him out.

Warren curled up around him, sighing. "I'll try." Holding on tight. It seemed to be the best solution.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin just clung.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren held on tight, smoothing fingers through his hair again, rocking them both, rubbing over his back. All the little gestures he could think of because he felt like he was going to fall apart if he didn't hold onto him.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"You don't want to be with a girl?" Devin's voice was very small.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"I don't want to be with a girl." Warren's voice was firm, and certain.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"And you're not...ashamed of being with me?"

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"I'm not ashamed of being with you." With just as much conviction, and a tight hug.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"You don't ... hate the things we do together?"

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

And that got a very emphatic "No." His fingers tightened on Devin almost painfully until he took a breath and forced himself to relax. "No, I love it when we're together."

Warren knew, pretty much, what he meant. Or thought he did. It was true all the way, anyway.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin nodded a little, and there was still confusion coming off of him, part of him wondering why he'd even made a fuss about Warren's comment.