The conversation had to happen sooner or later...

[killingsoftly]

Warren: Not! Gay!
Devin: *pouts*
Warren: I'm not! *wraps his arms around Devin's waist, though* I just happen to have a boyfriend.
Devin: You don't have to sound so horrified.
Warren: I'm not! Just insistent.
Devin: *doesn't comment* It's not a bad thing to be gay.
Warren: *seriously* No, it's not. Or whichever.
Devin: *still frowning*
Warren: *sighs, strokes fingers through his hair* I'm sorry, babe. I'm just.. getting tired of getting teased.
Devin: Why does it bother you if you're not...bothered by being with me?
Warren: Because half the time.. okay, when She teases she's just being silly, but half the time when .. they're teasing, they're not being nice.
Devin: *glares in their general direction* But why does it bother you? They wouldn't tease you if they didn't know they could get a rise, so...*shifting from glaring to a little lost* Why does it bother you enough that they can get that rise?
Warren: *shrugs slightly, holds him a little closer* I don't know. Something about the way they say it. Like ... they have some kind of... I don't know. *wry* Like they're trolling, and I'm the meat.
Devin: That doesn't have anything...*shrugs, pulls away a little*
Warren: *flash of outright fear, quickly suppressed* *shakes his head* You're . it's stupid. They're stupid, you're right.
Devin: *another little shrug*
Warren: *slides his hand down to curl his fingers lightly around Devin's*
Devin: *small frown, but doesn't pull away*
Warren: *expression slowly retreating back into the blank/sullen high school expression, lowering his head a bit*
Devin: I just....one day you'll....you'll get tired of the teasing, or you'll decide.....*shrugs*
Warren: Dev....
Devin: If you hate the idea of being associated with a group that likes to sleep with their own gender so very much....
Devin: What can you think of me?
Warren: *bites back something mean* It's not the idea, it's the tone .. it's.. *shakes his head angrily, fingers of his other hand flexing a bit* It's being reduced to a fucking stereotype, Dev. And then being looked at like he's going to fucking eat me.
Devin: He looks at everyone that way. He...*flinches back from the thought of him too much, flash of something in his eyes* It doesn't...I've never liked labels. I don't like stereotypes. People are people and what does it matter? But you get so angry....
Devin: Like you're ashamed you want to be with me.
Warren: This is me, Dev. This is what I am. I'm an angry guy. It has nothing to do with being ashamed. You... *small, tired smile* You haven't seen a lot of that. 'cause you make things better. But it's still me. Remember the cafeteria thing? Nearly roasting Will?
Devin: *nods* It just...what you're angry about....seems tied to the fact that you enjoy what we do...and that...*shrugs, wishing he hadn't said anything at all*
Warren: *shakes his head slightly, isn't sure what to say though, and has this sick panicky feeling that this is... something. the beginning of the end* *and maybe clings a littel tighter to Devin's hand because of it*
Devin: *pulls his knees up to his chest, wrapping his free arm around it tight*
Warren: Dev... *runs his free hand through his hair, still at a loss, still angry and scared*
Devin: *quietly* It's okay.
Warren: No it's not. You don't look okay.
Devin: I'm just being stupid...
Warren: No you're not... *sighs, scoots over next to him a bit* You're ... You're scared. .. So am I.
Devin: Why?
Warren: It's.. *tries to articulate, still half the time stuck in the whole teenage-macho-don't talk about feelings thing. also because he's Warren*
Warren: ... I can't help being.. what I am. How I feel, how... and maybe that's not enough. Maybe you'll get sick of the uncertainty.
Devin: *stares at him, slightly shocked*
Warren: *suddenly very, very afraid* ... what?
Devin: I'm ... you think I'd go? *almost laughing* god, I'm the most....No. I'm not....I'll stay as long as you want me, until you decide...*shrugs again, laugh turning to something closer to tears*
Warren: Dev... *scared, worried, not all that angry anymore* Dev, I'm... I've. I don't care. Gay, straight. Whatever. Bi. I don't care. *dry/bitter/self-hating* You have to live outside yourself to care about things like that in other people, and I don't. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a pretty selfish person. I don't... it doesn't bother me. That's not what bothers me. Nothing bothers me about you, about this.. not lik ethat.
Warren: And yeah. Sometimes... you know? Sometimes .. it's not like you have the ... the surety of knowing. Sometimes. I just.. I wonder.
Devin: Wonder what? *almost terrified*
Warren: *quietly, looking down, tired* Why you put up with this. With... someone who, obviously, you think could leave you any day now for some pretty girl. *back to bitter and self-hating* The uncertainty, it's gotta kill.
Warren: I mean... *sudden explosion* Why do you even put up with me?
Devin: *quietly* Because I love you.
Warren: *very small smile*
Warren: I love you, too.
Devin: I'd rather be with you, for as long as I have you than not
Warren: *small nod, lightly squeezing his hand* I'm not goign anywhere, Dev.
Devin: *squeezes back, tight and clinging*
Warren: *pulls him into his arms after a second, clinging right back*
Devin: *holds on, shaking a little*
Warren: I'm sorry, babe... I'm soso sorry. *kind of scared, almost crying, holding on tight*
Devin: *holds on to him tight, shaking* You don't need to....
Warren: *actually does start to cry, a couple hot tears* I’m sorry. I shouldn'ta said those stupid things.
Devin: *is crying a little, too, clinging to him* I shouldn't....I just get so scared you'll....that you don't really want.....me...
Warren: No.... *insistant, rocking them both a bit* No no no no... no. No. It's not like that. It's never been like that. *small smile* I'd've been happy figuring out I liked guys better than girls too. That's just.. not the way it turned out.
Devin: *tiniest flinch, but nods*
Warren: *snuffle-giggle* Believe me. I spent like two weeks checking out guys just to see... nothing. It's just you, babe. There's something special about you.
Devin: *wry, half sob* Why can't I just...*shakes his head*
Warren: Why can't you just...?

It hurt more than a little as he struggled to find the words he meant to say. "Why can't I just be happy? I have you, and if...if I'm not...or if you're not...you're still here, at least for now, and..." He swallowed back the tears, or tried to. "It just gets...like I should be smug. I should be all, 'oh, he's not gay, but for me he's willing to overlook that.' Only all I can think about when I let myself think about it, is what that means when the right girl comes along."

Comments

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren sighed, closing his eyes. He wasn't sure how to explain it, to himself or to Devin. The tears started to leak down again as he clutched at Devin's hand, tighter, too.

"I'm... sorry." It was all he could think of to say.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin brushed the tears away, shaking his head a little. "Don't..."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"It's my fault..." was all he could think to say. God, he felt so stupid. He shouldn't have said anything in the first place. "I'm all.. fucked up, confused, and yeah we're both pretty fucked up. But this... it's .. It's causing this big mess, and it's my fault..."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin shook his head. "No, it's mine. It doesn't matter. I won't let it matter."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"I shouldn't..." He scowled. "I didn't think. I didn't fucking think. And now I fucked it up.."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"You didn't..." Devin sighed. "I shouldn't care so about words."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"Words hurt." Warren knew that at least as well as anyone, if not better than most. "Words are important. I should have ..."

He looked down. Felt miserable. "I should have kept my stupid mouth shut."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"I'd rather know than not," Devin said, barely above a whisper.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

And those words sent a spike of fear through his chest, panic, terror. He swallowed, hard. Had to convince himself that Devin didn't mean what he thought he meant.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin just shook his head, holding his hand tighter. "You shouldn't have to...to censor yourself."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

He could breathe again. Christ, that had sounded so... final.

"You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable with me, either," he murmured.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"I'm not uncomfortable with you," Devin said, tears in his eyes. "I just....if you're going against everything you are to be with me..." He shivered. "When will you start hating me for that?"

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"Dev..." He didn't know how to explain it. "I'm not going against anything. 'm just going with the flow. Yeah, maybe it's in a different direction than I usually go, but..."

Small, hesitant, crooked smile: "I didn't choose to fall for you, it just sort of happened. If it just sort of happened, I can't be going against anything, forcing anything, can I?"

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin sniffed, curled into him, and clung. A lot. He didn't have an answer for that.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren held on tight, hands rubbing along his shoulders, over his back. He didn't have an answer, either. Any more explanation why he'd reacted the way he did. He felt horrible, guilty and scared for what he'd done, that this was going to be too much, that they'd fall apart because of it, that Devin would leave and it would be his fault.

Things had gotten so, so much better since Devin had come around. He'd found a quiet kind of happiness he could never have imagined, before. He didn't want that to go away, not ever.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry," Devin said softly.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"It's not your fault." Warren insisted. "You've done nothing... except be wonderful. And there. And... understand."

And it struck him, suddenly, why the distance between them was so great when for so long they'd been finding the similarities.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

"I got upset. It was...stupid to be upset about something like that."

He wasn't sobbing. Quite.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"No it's not." Warren's voice was very quiet.

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin curled up, clutching at his legs again with a dark look.

"It is. You're here. You....l-love me. You want to be with me. That's all I need. How you define yourself...it doesn't matter."

And it didn't, really. It was the vehemence, the anger behind the words that hurt.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

Warren let the words slide over him for a bit, thinking.

What came out after was not quite what he'd meant to say at the beginning of Devin's sentence. "I used to define myself as a half-breed. Stuck in the middle. Rejected by one side and not.. strong enough for the other. Or maybe just not .. other side-y enough. I didn't want to be my father."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin was quiet, listening, chin on his knees. "You're not your father."

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"No..." Warren was thinking out loud. "I get my temper from him, though. It's funny. You think ... you see things differently when you're older than you did when you were a kid. I don't know if it's memory or just experience. When I was little I used to think he was angry all the time. Then I thought he was just... being protective. Now I don't know..."

[killingsoftly.livejournal.com]

Devin turned his head so his cheek was on his knees, watching him.

[firebugwarren.livejournal.com]

"I don't..." he started, then swallowed. His face felt sticky. "I don't know. I mean. How'm I supposed to define myself now? I'm .. a musician. Kind of. Learning how. I'm an adult, as of this year. I'm someone's boyfriend. I've got a boyfriend."

He smiled a little at that. "Most wonderful boyfriend in the whole wide world." Lightly hugging Devin.